


Recovery

by blank



Category: Covert Affairs
Genre: Chronic Illness, F/M, Friendship, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 06:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 7,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1929366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blank/pseuds/blank
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A "what if Annie doesn't actually get better" story. Written mostly between watching 5x02 and 5x03. WIP, no beta, OOC characters galore! Annie/Ryan, eventually</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“You said I’d probably start getting better in a couple of weeks, that I’d be better in a few months. It’s been five months,” Annie says, sitting in Dr. Cohen’s office facing him across his desk in Philadelphia. “Lisa” had made an appointment with him as quickly as possible after getting home.

Dr. Cohen is going over her test results, explaining where they’re at. “Lisa, your left ejection fraction is down to 31%. All your tests are more abnormal than the first day you came to my office. You remember how we discussed that some patients don’t get better?”

“But you said that was unlikely,” Annie replies, wanting to shut down, wanting to run away.

“It was unlikely. But I think we have to accept that’s where things are going now. When your heart tried to heal itself, it built scar tissue. This has made your heart less able to function and enlarged as it works harder to pump your blood. This is called dilated cardiomyopathy. Your heart is failing.”

Annie’s mind spins. “What does that mean for me?”

Dr. Cohen looks uncomfortable when he answers. “It means that we can work on managing this condition, but that it isn’t going to go away. I will be prescribing you several new medications to help your heart today. You need to take it easier than you have been. Your electrophysiologist, Dr. Hayner, recommended that we start to seriously think about you getting an implanted biventricular pacemaker and defibrillator to help your heart function and reduce the risk of sudden death. This can give you time and may even improve your heart function until the time comes when we have to think about other treatments. You have some time to think about that and I’ll provide you literature to help you learn about your options there.”

Annie just sits there for what seems like forever. She thinks about the fact that her career is over, of letting go of everything she loves, of becoming sick and useless. “How bad is this? What are my odds here, exactly?”

“I can’t put a number on your life, Lisa. Statistics don’t tell us what will happen to you in particular. Statistically, based on your tests, I would estimate a forty to fifty percent chance of you surviving another five years without a heart transplant.”

Annie can’t take it. She grabs her purse off the floor, pushes herself out of the chair in Dr. Cohen’s office, and bolts. He chases after her for a moment, hands her the literature and prescriptions, tells her to call.   



	2. Chapter 2

It's another two weeks before Annie finally works up the courage to do what she knows needs to be done. Annie takes her medical records to Joan, an apologetic smile on her face that looks more like a grimace as she sits down across from the woman she’s considered her mentor for years.

Joan's eyes widen with surprise as she reads. "How long have you known?"

"I started having symptoms on my way home, which is why I decided to take a little sabbatical. At the time, my cardiologist was telling me that it was likely I would fully recover within a few months. And I was feeling better, for a while, I swear that's why I came back. But... Dr. Cohen says scar tissue has built up in my heart from repairing the damage from the virus. That's not going to get better." Annie answers.

Joan studies her. "How bad is this?"

Annie looks away from her, staring down at her coworker's desks. "Around 50/50 that I'll be here in five years."

Joan doesn't know what to say, because of all the things she expected of strong, wilful, and healthy Annie, it wasn't this. She'd thought that maybe she'd be hearing this news one day after an accident, or a murder, or anything but the news that Annie's body is failing her.

It seems too cruel to be true, all the evidence in front of her aside. "I'm so sorry, Annie. We can reassign you... I'm sure nobody would complain if we found you a job in-house."

Annie smiles at her, a little self-deprecating smile. "I think we both know that I can't do that."

"Are you saying you want to leave?"

"I'm saying we need to consider that a medical retirement is best for all of us," Annie answers. "If I have only a few years left, I can't waste them chasing ghosts from a desk."

Looking doubly stricken now, Joan just nods. "Of course. I'll put in the papers. Do you want to... Do you want to tell the others?" Joan answers with a stutter.

"Of course," Annie answers. "I owe them that much."

Each revelation she makes after that is painful and awkward, with nobody knowing the right thing to say. Annie's not sure there is a right thing to say. People either go silent, try to give her false hopes, or suddenly start treating her like she's already died. Everything changes.

Auggie’s the one that falls apart, because he’s raw and wounded and obviously not over her, but they can’t say it, not here and not now. Not when Annie’s already let go. He pulls Annie in close for a hug, feels her breathing with his own hands, and thinks of that breath being extinguished.

She thinks of Ryan, telling her that it was her secret to keep, and wonders if running away wouldn't have been better after all.

Danielle offers to move back home, to drop everything and pack up and be there for her. Annie reassures her that it’s okay, that they’ve still got time, that it’s going to be okay. It tastes like a lie coming out of her mouth.   
She finds a new cardiology team closer to home after that, doctors she can be Annie Walker with now that her condition is a secret that can’t be kept.  She goes through the whole story of how she was diagnosed with myocarditis overseas and hasn’t gotten better since coming home. They run her through the same tests. They come to the same conclusions.

Three weeks later, Annie schedules the CRT-D surgery for a month out.


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan’s surprised when the call comes through from Annie, two months after his ill-fated encounter with her in Maracaibo. He’s not sure if this is professional or personal, which proposition she’s responding to, if she’s responding to one at all.

There’s something he hears in her voice when she says “can we talk?” and he knows this isn’t business, this isn’t asking him to dinner.

“Where are you?” Ryan asks.

“Home.”

“I’ll send a car,” he answers, and it isn’t posed as a question.

Two hours later, Annie’s being driven through the gate of yet another of Ryan’s fortresses, a discreet and quiet house well hidden from the main road.

Ryan greets her at the door. He feels stiff and tense, like he’s anticipating a blow.

Annie follows him to the library. He’d deliberated while he was waiting for her to arrive where would be best. The living room seemed too open, too informal for the tone of her words. His office seemed too imposing.

He gestures for her to pick a chair, and she sits down across from him. In the silence, he studies her whole body language, her expression. She looks so tired and defeated.

“I don’t know where to start,” Annie begins. She doesn’t quite look at him yet, like she thinks she’s going to break if she sees the concern that’s on his face.

Ryan leans back in his chair. “We have as long as you need.”

It’s another five minutes before she speaks again. “I was being stubborn and pushing you away because I didn’t want to believe that I wasn’t getting better. I was supposed to get better. If it weren’t for you I could have…” Annie chokes off at this for a moment. “I could have died out there. I came home and went back to the hospital. The virus that caused my heart condition is gone, but my heart trying to heal itself caused so much damage that I’ve developed a condition called dilated cardiomyopathy. My heart isn’t able to pump blood well enough anymore. I’m not getting better.”

Ryan takes a minute to absorb this. “What’s the prognosis?”

Annie sighs. She hates this part. “My heart is already failing. I’m getting an implant that will help stimulate my heart to pump better and which can deliver a shock to save me if I have a dangerous heart rhythm. It might make my heart function better for a time or at least slow down the decline, but my doctors think I’ll be at the point of needing a heart within a few years.”

Ryan thinks, terribly, that Annie is not his wife, nor his lover, not even his employee. That Annie ought not be confessing such things to him. That he should not feel like he’s been kicked in the chest at this news.

He gives her a desperate look as he gets up and walks in the hall, feeling something that’s probably as close to guilty as he’s ever felt to be leaving her alone.

He doesn’t come back until he has something resembling a plan in his head, until he’s regained some of his composure. He takes his seat again, looks at Annie. She meets his gaze this time.

“How long have you been out of Langley?” he asks.

“Five weeks,” she says, bitter words.

“They didn’t offer you a desk?” he replies, puzzled.

“I didn’t take it. I couldn’t stay there, not like that.” Annie shakes her head as she answers.

“You’ll come work for me,” he answers, and his tone leaves no room for argument. “On paper, anyways. I’ll consult you when I need you. If and while you’re still up for travel it will be low risk and you will have two of my men with you. I know what your pension looks like, and what the insurance that comes with that is like. This isn’t negotiable. I’ll give you it even if you don’t work a minute for me, but I think you’d prefer the offer that lets you keep working on your own terms.”

Annie stares at him. “Why are you doing all this? You barely know me, and I’ve been nothing but an asshole to you,” she asks.

Ryan’s neck tightens before he answers. “Because every ounce of my body wants to keep you here and protect you, but I know I can’t. This I can do for you.”


	4. Chapter 4

It takes another two months after the surgery before Annie’s feeling well enough to go back to work. The recovery from the actual surgery is a breeze, but letting her body recover from the overuse she subjected it to and gradually working up her exercise tolerance again drives Annie insane.

Now that she’s Annie Walker, linguist at McQuaid Security, (and that’s even partially true) she’s able to actually get out there and make friends in the outside world. It’s hard, at first, to connect again with regular people who have regular interests. She joins a Russian book club, takes up a yoga class, and starts to call Danielle a little more regularly than once every month or two.

Follow-ups with Dr. Graham show that the medication and pacing are doing their job for the time being.

Some days she feels healthy enough that it’s easy to forget that she’s sick, that anything’s wrong.

Annie misses the agency something fierce, pained by knowing all that is wrong in the world and feeling like she’s doing nothing to help it. Arthur and Joan have her over for dinner when she starts working with him, and it’s both so much like old times and yet so different.

Ryan hires her an assistant, Melissa, under the pretext of her being there to assist Annie with cases that require travel, which makes Annie feel ridiculous the first time she does actually have to travel to Los Angeles with a three-person entourage.

After the job’s done, they drive up to visit Danielle and the girls. There’s some awkwardness in the beginning, where so much has changed between them, but at the end of the day they’re always going to be sisters. When Annie has to go home a day later, they promise to visit again.


	5. Chapter 5

Life settles into a new normal for that first year of working after Annie’s surgery. Working gives her a sense of purpose, and a nice enough income that she can afford to upgrade apartments and finally put some money away towards a real savings account.

She goes back to the hospital every two or three months to adjust her medications and check up on her heart, but the decline is pretty slow, and sometimes there’s no real change between appointments. She’s diligent about taking her medications, exercising, and eating right to try and keep her heart healthy for as long as possible.

She even starts to reconnect with Auggie, once he stops acting like she’s suddenly become fragile. They have the occasional drink after work, although Annie just orders a soda and watches with amusement as Auggie gets progressively inebriated.

At least part of the fear seems to leave Ryan eventually, because he starts to act more like her boss and less like her protector as time goes on. He authorizes her to go on international trips (albeit still with her entourage,) imposes deadlines on her, and increases the quantity of her work enough that she actually gets to feel challenged every day.

It’s good. Good enough that they all ignore the gradual decline, until they can’t.


	6. Chapter 6

It starts off with what feels like a flu Annie can’t shake. She just gets more and more tired as the week goes on, until she’s finally left stranded on her couch in pyjamas she’s been wearing for three days and not certain she has the energy to go much of anywhere else anymore.

Realizing she’s being too stubborn for her own good, Annie finally drags herself far enough to call Melissa and ask her to send a car. Annie wonders if she should be disturbed when Reijo, one of the “bodyguards” that Ryan had insisted on as a condition of her employment, lets himself right in. She gestures vaguely at her computer on the coffee table and asks him to pack her a bag with some essentials, coughing in between every other word.

Reijo takes in her pale skin, the dark rings around her eyes, the rattling sound she makes when she breathes with concern, rushing to shove everything she might want into a small suitcase in all of five minutes. He runs the bag to the car and then rushes back in for her, all but holding her up as they slowly make their way outside.

He calls Dr. Graham on the way to the hospital, and then surreptitiously texts Mr. McQuaid while they’re stopped at a red light. He knows that Annie isn’t comfortable with him reporting into the boss like this, but he also knows that Ryan will have his skin if he finds out from anyone else.

They let him follow her into the emergency room with a minimum of fuss when he explains that he’s her bodyguard, used to this sort of thing around here.

Ryan comes around seven hours later, having cut his meeting short after finding out the news and rushing to the airport to fly out from Houston.

By the time he gets there, Annie has been hooked up to all sorts of monitors, a mask with oxygen and bipap to help her take breaths, an IV, and already subjected to a variety of tests ranging from a dozen vials of blood to a chest  x-ray.

Annie thinks that she wants to crawl under the sheets and hide when he walks in, perfectly composed, because this is the third time he’s seen her sick and pathetic, weak and vulnerable.

There’s a question in his eyes when he picks up one of her hands and squeezes it, and she can’t really talk, so she squeezes her eyes shut and rubs her thumb along his hand instead. Ryan tilts his head for Reijo to stand watch outside in the hall and occupies his seat, pulling it right up to Annie’s bed.

Looking back through the door one last time, Reijo waits until he’s out in the hall to call Danielle and notify her that she might be needing to come soon.


	7. Chapter 7

They decide to admit her to an isolation room in the CCU because while the problem that brought her to the emergency room is pneumonia, the cardiologist on call describes her heart condition as “acutely decompensating” and judges that she’ll be better served in the unit better equipped to handle a cardiac crisis.

Ryan leaves only after they start her on antibiotics and transport her up to her room, and he swaps an exhausted Reijo with Ian, who is given explicit instructions to not get in the way but to call him if anything changes.

The bipap and the pain medication help her sleep better than she has in days, and if it weren’t for the three times a nurse comes in to check on her and replace an IV bag during the night, Annie might have gotten what she’d call rest.

When she wakes up as the 7am rounds roll through, Ian has again been replaced with Reijo and Annie suspects she knows who is responsible for this.

Dr. Graham comes in around noon, reviews Annie’s case on the computer, and tells her that he’ll be following up and that they’ll take this as it comes. It sounds an awful lot like they’re waiting to see which direction she goes, and that terrifies her.

Danielle shows up early that evening, and Annie smiles a little as she watches Danielle awkwardly adjust the mask on her face. Reijo politely asks that she use the hand sanitizer again after touching her face, and Danielle quickly apologizes as she scrubs her hands with the foam again and approaches Annie’s bed.

Annie’s voice is muffled and comes in spurts as the mask modifies the way she breathes. “Danielle,” she says. “you didn’t…”

“The hell I didn’t! My little sister’s in the hospital,” Danielle says, cutting her off. “Michael is here, he’s at the hotel with the girls.”

Annie does her best to glare at her, although through her exhaustion it isn’t very effective. “Not dying yet,” she answers.

“Don’t talk like that, Annie. You’ve been so healthy all year! You caught a bug, you can get over it,” Danielle says, false cheer in her voice.

Annie realizes then and there that while Danielle loves her fiercely, she’s not the person that can come with Annie where she needs to go.

After Danielle leaves for the evening, she waits until Ian comes in to check on her before calling him over with one hand and slowly asking for Ryan and a lawyer for a living will.


	8. Chapter 8

Ryan’s there over his lunch hour the next afternoon. Annie’s lungs are doing better with the antibiotics working, but her heart is still in bad enough shape that she’s completely wiped out all the time and can tell that her doctors are concerned as they up her medications and add a few more on. There’s a woman in a suit behind him, briefcase in hand.

Filippa goes through a standard checklist of interventions Annie does and does not want depending on how severe her condition is, questioning Annie at each step and waiting patiently for a response to be certain that Annie is capable of drafting this document and understands each item she is making a decision on.

Finally, they reach drafting a durable medical power of attorney. Annie looks over at Ryan before shakily writing his name down on the form and signing it.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asks, like he hadn’t expected this even though she’d asked for both of them to be here.

It takes Annie a minute longer than it should to get out her muffled answer in bits and pieces. “I trust you to make the cold and necessary decisions.”

Ryan’s not sure if that’s entirely true, not when it comes to Annie. He thinks that it’s sad that he’s somehow turned out to be her best option, the person she’s chosen to decide life or death matters for her.

He thinks that sometimes Annie underestimates how much her time at the CIA stunted her, enabled her to worsen her bad habits developed from a childhood of letting people go at every move, exploited her. She may not acknowledge how much she struggles adapting to life outside the agency sometimes, but he knows.

“I have to get back to work,” he finally says. “I’ll be back tomorrow if I can.”

As he walks out, he sends Reijo back in to sit and watch the TV on silent as she tries to fall back asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

A week later they cut off the additional oxygen because Annie’s lungs are in better shape and there’s risks to giving her too much supplemental oxygen. They keep the bipap mask to help her breathing while authorizing her to remove it for short periods of time now that she has regained some ability to converse.

Thirteen days into her admission, they hold what amounts to being a bedside conference with Annie. Ryan’s there, feeling nervous at the grim set faces of the two doctors who enter, Dr. Graham and another doctor Ryan doesn’t recognize.

“Annie,” Dr. Graham says as Annie adjusts the bed so she’s in a more upright position. “The condition of your heart has severely deteriorated with your illness. It has started to impact your other organs. We can put you on the transplant list today, but I’ll be honest with you, in your condition I don’t know if you’ll make it to getting the heart. I think we need to consider a left ventricular assist device, or LVAD, to buy us time to get you prepared for a transplant and time to wait for a heart to come.”

“How long do I have without it?” Annie asks, although part of her knows.

“I think a week would be generous,” Dr. Graham answers, unflinching.

“And with the LVAD?” Annie asks, not letting herself stop to fully absorb the news.

“I’d estimate around a 70% chance of one year. We’ll take it from there as it comes, balance how well your heart functions with the device with how imminently you need a transplant,” he says. Then he points to Dr. Patel. “Dr. Patel would be your surgeon, and she’s done more LVADs than all but perhaps ten surgeons in the country. I brought her with me to discuss that option if that’s something you want to do.”

Annie nods slowly. “Can you come back in a while? I need… time,” Annie says, thinking that’s the most ironic thing in the world right now.

They both leave, with Dr. Patel promising to be back in an hour.

Annie waits until the door closes before looking desperately at Ryan and letting the panic set in. “I know what this surgery would mean,” Annie says. “Is this life worth it?”

Ryan, too, has looked up everything even peripherally related to her condition, mentally prepared himself for the reality that this day would almost inevitably one day come. He hadn’t expected it to be so soon.

“I can’t tell you that, Annie. You know I can’t. You have to decide.”

Ryan’s the one who ends up telling Danielle when she comes to visit later and finds an empty room as Annie’s being prepped for surgery. Time was of the essence and Annie didn’t have the emotional or physical energy to tell Danielle. She rages her fruitless frustrations at him, at being denied what might be her last chance to tell her baby sister how much she loves her.


	10. Chapter 10

Three days after the surgery, still feeling like a horse trampled her chest, Annie’s physical therapist is coaxing her out of bed and into a chair to use the seated bike.

They work on training her to take care of her device. In the beginning she’s only allowed to have a sponge bath in bed, but once the exit wound has started to heal they train her on using the shower bag safely. Annie (and Ryan, Ian, and Reijo, because let it never be said that Ryan McQuaid is anything but thorough) is trained on using the batteries, the wall adapter, changing the dressings, responding to alarms, and all the hundred nuances she never would have thought about before she got the device.

She ends up sending Danielle home five days after her surgery, because she’s not dying right this minute and she and her family have a life to get back to.

Ryan insists on ridiculous things like buying two backup controllers instead of the standard one and eight batteries and two chargers just to be safe. He sends someone to install battery backups on her bedroom outlets, and even one for her office. Annie calls it paranoid, he calls it an abundance of appropriate caution.

They both come to the conclusion that having a caregiver in the house 24/7 to hear and respond to any alarms, especially in the worst case scenario of total pump failure, will give everyone peace of mind. Ryan knows that he has neither the time nor the capacity to spend more than three or four hours a week with Annie, so he takes it upon himself to hire and vet two caregivers. He reassigns Ian to a different position and hires Simon, a former army nurse, to temporarily serve a role as one of her caregivers, but also to later transition to being one of Annie’s shadows at work and while traveling.

Five weeks after being admitted, Annie is finally sent home.


	11. Chapter 11

There’s a lot to adjust to being constantly tethered to a large, cumbersome machine. Annie buys additional bags, holsters, and even tactical undershirts meant for firearms to expand her options for comfortably carrying the large controller and two batteries.

She starts to log in to the corporate VPN and get an hour or two of work done each afternoon the day after she comes home. People usually drift in to visit her some time after work in the evening. Simon or Reijo usually drive her to doctor’s appointments as well as her physical therapy sessions in the mornings.

They gradually alter the settings on her lvad to permit her becoming more active, so two months after the surgery she transitions from the exercise bike to taking short easy rides around town. It’s only then that she starts to really feel how much better she is, how much she had ignored the decline leading up to receiving the LVAD.

They go through all of the education Annie needs to have about the transplant process, but Annie’s the one who ultimately comes to the decision to stick to what works as by every measure her tests are doing better and she’s feeling pretty well.

It’s a big thing to sign up for, trying to get some useful months or years out of the device before even getting on the list for a heart. But it’s weighed against the fact that transplanted hearts have limited lifespans, too.

At the three month mark, she starts going into the office again.

By month four, she’s working full time, and they’re discussing increasing her mobility with some domestic travel assignments to start with.


	12. Chapter 12

By next spring, Annie really starts to feel like she’s weathered the storm. The LVAD is doing what it’s supposed to do, her health is good given the circumstances, and the list of things she can’t do is pretty limited. She’s not getting better, but she’s not getting worse either.

The most notable medical event that occurs is having to send four of her batteries in for replacement since they’ve reached their maximum number of charge cycles.

She becomes an expert at hiding the device for outside work purposes, creating velcro side vents in her shirts and dresses and wearing a purse directly on top of them for the controller and batteries.

At home or in the office she mostly wears the shoulder holster over her clothing, because everyone’s grown accustomed to her little portable life support setup. More importantly, they know Ryan would fire anyone who dared to say anything.

It becomes something of a running bet with Melissa and some of the other secretaries, trying to decide when the two of them would finally get together. Melissa had been so sure it would happen after Annie was hospitalized, but it was like the moment Annie got well enough not to need him, Ryan was back to being all business.

Sometimes Simon will join her and Auggie (and occasionally even a few more old faces from the CIA) to talk shop at the bar. Annie isn’t stupid, she watches the way Simon lights up around Auggie.

“He’s straight, you know,” Annie remarks one evening as she drives home with Simon in her passenger seat because he’s on just the wrong side of sober to drive home.

She sees Simon nod from the corner of her eyes, cheeks red and rosy. “I know. But who are you to talk? Ryan all but throws himself for you and you don’t even…” he drifts off for a minute. “It’s the best he can do. He doesn’t let himself feel much.”

The next week she takes off to Oman with her entourage, and it’s far enough away from home that she can think. 


	13. Chapter 13

It’s August, two years after her confession to Ryan, when out of the blue he invites her to vacation with him. They’re sharing lunch in the office while waiting for a conference call to start, and Annie’s taken off balance, because it’s been so long since he’s been anything but her boss.

Annie hesitates, thinking of how messy things already have been. Of how normal her life is finally becoming. Of how she can’t stand the thought of hurting him.

It occurs to her then that she doesn’t owe him anything, that everything he’s offered her thus far has been unconditional and freely given. He’d made his feelings clear only once, and while his façade had cracked a few times in the hospital, he hasn’t said a thing since. They’re not quite equals, but he’s obviously trying his hardest to treat her as though they are and to never cross the line.

“Where are we going?” she asks.

He smiles at her, his whole face lighting up with what is clearly genuine delight. “France.” 


	14. Chapter 14

Annie arrives at Leesburg airport with one weeks’ worth of clothing, two weeks’ worth of medication and dressings, and suitcase of fully charged batteries, spare controllers, a power converter, her charging station, and a wall outlet and car charger. Simon drives her, dropping off the bags and running off to park the car.

Ryan’s already there of course, looking ridiculous next to his jet with Jim and Fitz surrounding him. The stairs are already down and the pilot and co-pilot have already boarded, so they start to make their way up the stairs.

The cabin is divided into two sections, with the first having two captain-style chairs and a fold-out table on one side, and a three-seat divan on the other. Beyond that is a divider with curtains and six more individual seats.

Ryan gestures for Annie to choose one of the chairs as they prepare to take off, and after Simon finally runs on board, follows Simon to the back and closes the curtains shut before getting into his own seat.

Twenty minutes later, he unbuckles and gets up to stretch his legs, pulling Annie’s carry-on and his own out of the small closet, as well as her gear bag. “You can change in here, I’ll take the bathroom,” he says.

She lugs out the battery backup and plugs it into the outlet near her chair and runs it under her seat, attaching the power adapter for her controller.

She pulls open the table and starts to pull her LVAD out of the messenger bag she was carrying it in, setting everything down on the table directly in front of her as she stands and changes. She puts the controller in a fabric pouch around her waist, slips on her night shirt and pyjama bottoms. She unplugs one of the batteries and quickly plugs in the power cord before unplugging the other battery.

Both used batteries go in a bag conspicuously labelled USED BATTERIES so she doesn’t accidentally try and use one that’s discharged. She pulls out two good batteries, a flashlight, and spare controller and puts them in the messenger bag so they’re close by in case the alarm for the backup or for the controller go off, and then packs up everything else and leaves it for Ryan to stow again.

After a minute, she hesitantly calls out for Ryan. “The coast is clear now,” she says.

Immediately, he pops in through the curtains and shuts them behind him. He takes care of the bags before converting the two chairs into a single flat bed and opening an overhead bin to pull out sheets and blankets, making both of their beds. Annie watches him and thinks that for all the times that he’s seen her in what doesn’t exactly constitute business attire, this is the first time she’s seen him anything but fully composed, and she’s seen him holding a half-dead man in a shower. He’s wearing a Navy tshirt and grey drawstring sweats, and Annie thinks of how few people have the opportunity to see this side of him these days. “Your choice,” he says.

Annie decides on the divan and starts to get settled in as Ryan checks in with the pilot and lowers the lights.

When Ryan returns, Annie’s already shut her eyes. It’s not quite completely dark, and nobody’s there to watch and judge his confusing and conflicting feelings, so after he gets into bed he takes the opportunity to just watch Annie. He lets himself think, for only the space of watching her take a few breaths before closing his eyes, that she might some day reciprocate even a fraction of his feelings.

It’s 7am in Nice when they are woken up for landing.


	15. Chapter 15

Ryan gives her a look like she’s being ridiculous as she starts to pack her gear into the messenger bag after she’s already switched back to battery power and they’ve landed and started to taxi in. “You’re more comfortable with the shoulder holster,” he says.

“And more conspicuous,” Annie answers.

“You have nothing to hide and nobody to impress here, Annie,” Ryan tells her.

She glances at him for a moment before retrieving the shoulder holster and putting it on over her shirt.

They drive directly to his home after that, and Annie is every bit amazed. As always, it’s a fortress. But it’s also completely forgettable, an average home for a wealthy family. “How many people know you own this?” Annie asks carefully.

Ryan points at the crew that’s with them. “Barring the few individuals who helped me purchase this property, housekeeper, and groundskeeper who don’t know me by my own name, you’re looking at them.”

“Why?” Annie asks.

“With a career like mine, it’s safest for me to have at least a few secrets.”

“So this is you telling me secret,” Annie answers, light and laughing.

Ryan’s tone is serious when he replies. “It is.” 


	16. Chapter 16

He spends the next few days taking her out to restaurants ranging from local holes in the wall to extravagant dinners, driving around sightseeing, visiting local shops and museums.

When they’re home, sometimes they’ll stay up late at night on the balcony and he’ll tell her about when he was young, about life in the navy, trying to make something for himself with McQuaid Security. He’ll ask her all the things about where she comes from that can’t be pulled from a report, what it is she loves, who it is she’s trying to be.

It’s peaceful, without the demands of work or the surroundings of home weighing on their shoulders. They each still check in at work a couple of times a day, answering calls or emails, but it doesn’t get in the way so much as reassure them that everything will be alright without them for a few days.

It takes a bit of convincing from Annie for him to relent on the matter of them going on a few hikes. They set out as the sun’s barely rising for a simple three hour hike their fourth day in. Ryan lets Fitz off for a “date” with some girl from Spain he’d met at a museum the other day, so Jim’s there running ahead of them and Simon is lagging behind to give them some privacy . Simon’s carrying a backpack with backup equipment, which is a good thing because there’s no way Annie could hike with any added weight on her.

It’s definitely more of a physical challenge than Annie’s used to, and they have to stop and rest a few times, but when Ryan suggests turning back or taking a shortcut to the road and running the car up there, Annie immediately shoots him down. “I didn’t do all this,” Annie says, gesturing at the lvad equipment, “to live like I’ve already died.”

So they slowly continue through the sedate hills, and Ryan tries very hard to not reach out and hold her hand.

That evening they have dinner out on the balcony. After the last of their plates are cleared and Ryan walks back out and shuts the double doors behind him, Annie tries to say the words that she’s perhaps been avoiding for two years.

“You treat me like I’m the most precious thing you have,” Annie says. It’s an observation, not a question.

Ryan lets out a breath. There’s no use denying it. “I do.”

“Is this just all… is this because I’m sick?” Annie asks.

Ryan shakes his head. “Annie, you know as well as I do that I was attracted to you before I had any idea about any of this, before even you knew how bad things were,” he answers. “But we can’t pretend that all of this hasn’t changed things. When you first told me, I did everything in my power to protect you, to give you normalcy, to let you carry on as long as you could. It worked for a little while, didn’t it?”

Annie nods. “For a little while.”

“And then I saw you dying, Annie,” Ryan continues. “I saw you dying. That one time I held your hand is the only time I’ve ever allowed myself to touch you anything less than professionally. You looked and felt so fragile. Every day I try to erase that image from my mind by looking at you, acknowledging that you didn’t die, that you’re still doing well and you’re here. And it will be enough, if I can just give you everything for the rest of your life. I promise it will be enough for me.”

“But?” Annie asks.

“But even if you never feel the same way, even if you find someone else, even if one day that machine stops keeping you going,” Ryan says, daring to reach out and lay his palm over her shirt where he can almost feel the flutter of the pump rotating inside her, “I will always love you.”

It’s too much. As Ryan goes to lift his hand away, Annie reaches up and holds it in place, laying her hand on his. For a minute they sit like that, and Annie wonders what the hell is holding her back.

He looks at her fondly as he gets up and walks inside.


	17. Chapter 17

She ends up finding her answer, six months later, on a trip to Haifa. Eyal naturally manages to “run into” her, even though she's not exactly announcing where she's going, and Haifa isn't exactly a small town. He smiles as he waves her down inside a café. "Neshama! It's been too long."

Suddenly it occurs to her that Eyal must have also found the way to live a life after being a spy, because he looks happy, maybe more genuinely happy than sshe'd ever seen him in the past.

She takes a seat opposite him, carefully not moving her bag so that her equipment is fully concealed. What she quickly realizes isn't covered, however, is the scar along her chest. "What happened to you?" he asks, suddenly full of concern.

Annie thinks that this conversation is never going to get any less painful, that she's never going to know the right words to say.

"My heart started to fail three years ago," she finally settles on saying. She lifts up her shirt just enough to show him the driveline and then picks up her bag. “This pump keeps me running right now.”

He takes a moment to process this. Instead of what she'd expected, anger at not being told, denial at the fact that she looked so healthy, he just nods. "Oh, Neshama."

She waits for him to be the one to say more.

"So what brings you here, Annie? You can't be working for Langley anymore, and Langley doesn't provide that," he says, gesturing at Simon and Reijo, both having seated themselves at different tables.

"McQuaid Security," she answers.

He looks at her then, like something is clicking. "You don't work for a man who is known to make many allowances."

Annie laughs. "I work for a very complicated man."

"Is it that, or do you have complicated feelings about a straightforward man?” Eyal asks, like he's seeing right through her.

Annie thinks about this for longer than might be proper when two people are having a conversation.

“So what have you been doing?" Annie pointedly asks after a while. "What's been keeping you busy?”

“I’ve been working with MSF. Field security. Taking leave for a few weeks,” Eyal answers.

“That’s not what I would have expected,” Annie says.

“Every day I help get vaccines and obstetricians to where they need to go, I keep the power to the clinics running, I protect the people inside them. I have done more to earn my life in the past four years than the rest of my life,” Eyal says seriously.

“Is it repentance?” Annie asks.

Eyal shakes his head. “I’ve forgiven myself for my past a long time ago. I am now fulfilling my purpose. And what do you do with your second chance,” Eyal says, looking at her LVAD bag.

Suddenly it’s as though there’s the most obvious answer in the world staring right in front of her, and she’s been missing it.

He grins, wide and bright, and gets up to go without waiting for her answer. He leaves a business card on the table as he goes. “I know you have your reasons, but you don’t have to be a stranger.”

Annie places her palm over the pump in her chest, spinning along, giving her life. She thinks of Ryan, being willing to give anything to make that life have meaning, to keep her happy. That those feelings are not simple, because this isn’t something she _owes_ him.

She thinks, as she has many times before, of that first night. “To keep you here,” he’d said.


	18. Chapter 18

Simon gives a knowing chuckle when Annie asks him to drop her off at Ryan’s home the evening she flies back instead of her own. She’d texted him just before leaving the airport to confirm he was home.

She thinks that, even though she lacks a pulse, her heart may very well jump into her throat as they make their way through the gate and Simon turns into the drive and parks. He pulls her carryon and emergency bag out of the trunk, and looks to her for confirmation that he can leave. “See you tomorrow, Simon,” she says in the blistering cold.

She makes her way to his door once again. She knocks, and of course he’s been waiting, of course he answers in an impractically quick amount of time.

He looks at her with concern as she steps in from the cold, shivering and exhausted, run down from the traveling. There’s a conspicuous absence of staff anywhere Annie can see or hear.

He takes her bags from her, offers her an arm, unhesitant. She holds on and follows, and they walk together, back to where it all started.

They sit down, just as before. Annie starts again at the beginning. “I’m dying,” Annie says.

“I know,” Ryan answers, gentle and patient, waiting for her to find the words.

“I know you’re staying for that,” she continues. “It took me longer than it ever should have to realize that I am, too. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this for that long haul. I will love you until I stop being. I will stop wasting time and be yours, permanently and publically, and I will love you until I can’t. I will love you and I will hurt you and I will have to leave you because I can give you anything except a full life with me.”

He reaches out a hand, holds hers, gently guiding her up. He picks up her bag by the door, mindful that she should never be too far from her backups. They make their way slowly through the house until they reach his bedroom.

Without saying a word, he leads her to sit on the side of the bed. He goes through the procedure of plugging in the battery backup, and then the AC adapter, and switching her power from battery to wall outlet. He plugs in the charging station for the batteries and sets them in to charge. Annie holds onto the controller as he finds the pyjamas and the night belly pouch in her carryon and begins unbuttoning her shirt.

She thinks of all the times men have touched her, that this is somehow the most intimate by far. There’s nothing but tenderness as he takes off her bra, slips on the soft white belt, and tucks the controller into its pocket before helping her into an oversized pyjama shirt. He unzips her trousers, pulling them down and then supporting her as she gets into her night shorts.

He leaves her there as he goes and changes himself. Annie watches, thinks of how long he’s been hers, how stupid she’s been to wait. When he returns, in the same Navy t-shirt and boxers, he helps her get settled under the sheets and goes to flip off the lights before getting under the sheets on the other side of the bed.

He pulls her in close, his breath on her neck. He wraps an arm around her, resting over her heart. She places her hand on his, warm and sure, finally where it belongs. He waits until her breathing becomes slow and regular, until her hand drops, before letting himself start to drift off.

He thinks that she will destroy him.


End file.
